The soundtrack to this post is ‘Feeling Good’ by Avicii, using the vocals of the truly wonderful Nina Simone…it’s on spotify if you want to have a listen. Anyway, on with the show!
I love the feeling when you start to come out of a depression. The way the senses start to return, not all at once and not symmetrically either.
But the uplifting way you start to see colours again, you appreciate the sounds of children playing, birds singing and that tiny bit of hope begins to grow.
For me, that’s the worst part of depression. I always felt that there was a little rock inside of me, that tells me “it’ll be ok, you’ll get through this, this too will pass” Do you call that resilience or inner strength or sheer bloody-minded ignorance of reality? I’m not sure. But when I get depressed, my little rock disappears. I start thinking “it probably won’t get any better. Just suck it up. When has it ever been ok, who are you kidding?”
I don’t like it. I don’t like being cynical or pessimistic. I would rather be hopeful. I would rather be happy. I feel stronger when I’m happy. When I’m down, I just want to sleep and not wake up.
Everything is too much pressure and sometimes the only things I have achieved that day are: 1. Fed and watered my children 2. Kept breathing.
It wasn’t too long this time. A couple of weeks. It caught me by surprise as things were going well and the drama had subsided. Maybe a reaction to things calming down, a crash after the trauma. I don’t know. I have nothing to be sad about- my children are happy and healthy, my home is peaceful, I have reconnected with old friends and made some wonderful new ones in the last year. Things are looking up and life is better than it has been for a decade. I am happy. I am content. This life is enough for now.
To get all myers-briggs on you, I know INFJs are imbued with a sort of winsome melancholy. We are idealists though. And beneath all the layers, defences, deflections and resingnation to the woes of humanity, we do hope. We do continue to hope that there is more to life than this. That things will get better, that we will find a friend who gets us and understands us on the super deep level. I think that’s probably why we like to hang out on INFJ forums. To find kindred spirits and soul mates.
Anyway I digress. Today, things started to get brighter. Today, I started to see in colour again. Today, the little nugget of hope reemerged.
I hope it continues. I hope tomorrow is brighter. I hope the future is as beautiful as I envision. I hope.
Shamelessly stole the last line from Shawshank. #hopespringseternal