Authenticity

There used to be a lot more posts on here- blog posts and poems. Some of it cheerful, some of it sad. Most of it half-baked and written for me to try and work out how I was feeling.

I was in an abusive relationship for many years. With a man that I loved for a long time and I couldn’t reconcile the way he said he felt with the way that he treated me. And like any good INFJ, I stayed there. Hoping that it would improve, thinking that it must be my fault and that he was just depressed. I wrote a lot of posts during that time. I’ve deleted them now as I feel they were unauthentic.

They were not a true representation of my feelings. The negative ones were whiny and self-absorbed. The positive ones sound superficial and as though I was trying to convince myself that I was happy.

I wasn’t happy. I didn’t know why but i didn’t feel safe and I knew something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it and my ex husband told me I was going crazy- that I was paranoid and my intuition was wrong. When I found out that he had been unfaithful for most of our marriage, the INFJ rage and subsequent door slam occurred. I’m not a violent or aggressive person. I didn’t shout or scream or throw his clothes out of the window. He was given 48 hours to find somewhere else to live while I looked into the best way to tell the children.

I could have forgiven most things. I feel love ought to be almost unconditional. A fling at work, a secret addiction I could have forgiven, but 8 years of deceit and mind games? No. Just, no.

So now, it’s been about a year since the split. My divorce has been finalised and life has a steady pattern. I’ve worked through the anger, guilt and depression.

I’m ready to start writing regularly again and it will be therapeutic. Not writing for an audience or to lie to myself. Just expressing what I truly feel, for the sake of writing itself.

You can’t get more authentic than that.

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